I love my family, with all my heart. Even when they aren’t easy to love. Over the years we have had our fair share of ups and downs, complete with an alphabet soup of diagnoses which always complicated everything.
Being a family of six, we were always outnumbered. Things were always chaotic and busy and overwhelming, which is why it feels kind of strange to be sitting home alone on a Friday night.
I used to struggle with the chaos. I’m a very organized, calculated person who thrives on structure and is able to pivot on a dime to kick into action when shit would fall apart, which around here was always a pretty regular occurrence.
Not so much at the moment. Now I think my family spends more time checking in on me when I fall apart, a complete turn of the tables, which quite honestly I am not sure how to handle. But at this point I am not sure anything in my life makes sense.
Today was the first day since losing Jaidon that I did not cry at my desk. I held it together all day until I got to the car and then fell apart. I think it helps that this week was insane at work and I’m at that point of the year where I will barely see the light of day until November. But honestly, busy is easier.
I am starting to find ways to build in time for “falling apart” into my shitty new normal. What a concept. Who does that?!?
Lately I find myself thinking often about how the fuck I even got here. When you are younger you have dreams and visions of what you think your life should be like. This was not mine. Mine involved a much different outcome.
This weekend I should be arguing with Jaidon for not having all his stuff packed and ready to move into the Towson dorm, after giving him a list and deadline and to get it all packed. I think he and I were equally excited about him hitting this milestone which he would have been nervous about the change but would have pushed through anyway, because he was amazing like that.
Instead I am sitting in my way too quiet house alone, drinking more wine than I probably should, a heap of tears and anger trying to figure out how to continue existing in a life I can’t seem to derive any pleasure from at the moment.