This had been a very tough weekend. Another series of eye opening self discoveries met with aching realities. This weekend I learned that I cannot work the insane amount of weekend hours that I have in the past. Not because I can’t focus or don’t have enough to do but because I am not at a point yet where I can be left alone in a quiet room for an extended period of time without losing my shit and becoming even less functional than I already feel.
Being trapped in my head with wandering thoughts just stirs the huge pot of “what-ifs” which spiral me down a rabbit hole that I just cannot seem to recover from. What if I didn’t let him go on the trip? What if he drove instead? What if they left earlier or later? What if it didn’t rain? What if….. these what-ifs don’t actually change anything. I know that. They don’t bring him back. They don’t change the reality of what happened. What they do is literally drive me insane, hurling me into waves of nauseating tears that I cannot control. This is torture for a control-freak like me.
Much of my weekend’s devastating emotions have already spilled into the week, which isn’t a great way to start. As I walked up to my office door I had massive anxiety just wanting to walk in. This is such a strange feeling for me. I have always used work as an escape, as a place where I could regain my sense of me, and do what I do best. Today just walking through the door was a new level of torture that took me all day to recover from.
It is awkwardly painful to be uncomfortable in your own skin. Sometimes I find that when I look deeply into the mirror I am wondering who the fuck I am staring at in the reflection. I used to know who that was. Lately, not so much. I find myself questioning every thought and action, not being able to predict my own reactions or thoughts in any scenario.
Today, I got up and hauled my ass out of bed. I went to work and cranked out all kinds of things I just couldn’t do yesterday. I had dinner with the family and cried my heart out. Big fat ugly alligator tears, which were brought on by absolutely nothing. Just a huge hole I can’t seem to figure out how to live with.