More entries for the year of firsts. On Friday, we went on vacation to the same place we have our last vacation as a family. It started off extremely hard. I had to hit the brakes on the Bay bridge, something that can cause stress anyways, and the seat belt tightened just as Jess looked out the window to see nothing but water far down. Needless to say, panic attack and tears.
When we got to the condo, a flood of memories hit me. We had forgotten a few items, so I went out. The girls came with me. Not a great move. I shouldn’t have left Jess alone with her thoughts in a place that screamed of memories.
We did settle down and had our vacation. It was a struggle for some of the girls, but we got through it. There were a couple of times where I was really hit in the feels. Suiting on the beach at night, watching people surf fish. That is something Jaidon and I did and something he really enjoyed. I, of course, needed to bait the hooks and get the fish off. Just a bit too gross for him to touch. We also saw the big families of 6, some with 1 boy, some with more. Seeing them made me jealous. I really wanted my boy back at those times.
I am getting better at facing each day, knowing my nightmare is real, it is not changing, my boy is not with us. It has been the longest and fastest two months of my life. Knowing that life must go forward is hard to grasp. Knowing this nightmare is real happens because death certificates, police reports, and insurance documents keep coming in.
I look at my girls and I am in awe of them. I see the amazing strength they have. I see the incredible love they have. Yes, there is still the arguing and regular sisters crap that happens. I get frustrated but I love it.
I do not know the feeling of being a mother losing a son, but I know that I need to support that mother. I need to support the sisters. I need to support my family, just as they are supporting me. I don’t know what that support is day to day because the need changes. It isn’t my place to tell them how to grieve or for how long.
Jaidon was a young man who we believe was going to change the world. His memory lives on with us. It is shitty that it is only memories from June 9th on. I wish we could change that, but we can’t. Jaidon, I miss you. I love you. You made me so proud. I wish I could have one more hug. I will continue day to day activities, but they aren’t the same.