Party of five. Ugh. Just saying that aloud brings me to my knees with despair and devastation.
We just got back from our first family vacation as a party of five. Dear friends were kind enough to let us use their lovely condo, the same place we went for a covid-cation last summer but as a family of six.
So much heartbreak and such a hard thing to have to do. The entire time I couldn’t help but feeling like something was missing. It was. Jaidon was missing. He should have been there with us, he should be everywhere with us, but he is not. He is gone.
In between intermittent sadness and tears, we watched the girls push through and have fun in Jaidon’s honor. Quite frankly, they are much stronger than I am and I am in deep admiration of their strength and courage and am trying hard to follow their leads.
They played in the water, got burned by the sun, swam in the pool, ate crabs, and tons of junk food, went go-karting, did cartwheels in the sand, rode bikes, many things we have done as a family in the past on vacation.
Troy and I took long walks and talked deeply and cried hard. The girls bickered, like they should. This is our new normal, a man down, with lots of love entwined with many tears.
We seem to be hitting our year of firsts with a vengeance, just trying to do whatever it takes to lessen the pain of not having him here anymore. For what it’s worth, it doesn’t feel any better or easier or less devastating. I am learning that there is no “getting through this”. There is only learning how to live with the loss of a kid who had so much potential to change the world but never will.