Of course it poured like mad on my way home from work today, because that was the kind of day it was. Thank goodness for a dear friend who kept me company on the phone.
I’ve learned a lot of things these past two months. I am slowly getting the hang of baking sourdough bread, which someday I hope will make me feel good instead of angry. I’ve learned a lot about myself and those I surround myself with, for better or worse, which has been eye opening. I’ve learned that I have to reprioritize and find ways to move forward and that I am not quite ready for large gatherings.
I’ve learned that people either avoid me because they don’t know what to say, or avoid topics because they are scared of how I will respond, but I am still me, just a heartbroken version of myself. If you are afraid I am going to cry, you are right, I will, I do it all the time. It is part of my new normal.
I have learned that people assume it has been ample time for me to pull my head out of my ass and go back to how I was prior to losing Jaidon.
Two months to most is just the summer rolling by, taking vacations, going to camp, and August means it is almost time to get ready to restart school.
Two months ago today my world came to a screeching halt and upended itself causing me to have to fight every day just to do the bare minimum, basic, daily functions that most people take for granted.
Simple pleasures like vacations and family activities are met with an overarching emptiness and sorrow, not because we don’t want to enjoy life but because overcoming that seems impossible at the moment.
I’ve been told that things will get easier in time, but honestly, the last two months have felt longer than a lifetime so the thought of living like this longer is draining and makes me feel hopeless.
I appreciate all of you who are still regularly checking in on me and reaching out, even when I don’t respond in a timely manner or just can’t muster the strength. It is what is keeping me going.
So I continue to spend way too much time convincing myself I have to get up, shower and go to work, focus on doing my work, caring for my family and friends and just aiming to make it to bedtime daily.