Tonight is 6 months. 6 of the worst months of my life. One would think that, with time, some of the pain would be tolerable. It is not. There have been times during these months that I have had nightmares. I have cried, and by cried, I mean sobbed. I have been angry. I have tried to be happy, only to be upset for trying to be happy.
During these past 6 months, I have battled demons, and have come close to losing. I have lost any remnants of faith, because, how can any part of any faith allow a family to hurt so badly? Did we do something wrong?
Every time we think or say, 2021 can’t get any worse, it gets worse. Just this past week we had to lay to rest one of Jaidon’s friends from his friend group. They lost their battle with depression. So, once again, this group of friends and group of parents have to go through a painful process again we all have to grieve and learn to put one foot in front of the other, again. It is like a never ending loop.
Now, depression. Real, hardcore, depression. I have had times where opening my eyes in the morning is almost impossible. Thinking of going to work everyday, has made my stomach turn. Am I going to run into anyone who is going to ask me how many kids I have. I am a teacher. I get to watch kids go home to their parents everyday, thankfully. I wish I could have that just once more with him. I retreat. I throw up a wall. I put it up to avoid people. I put it up to avoid pain. I am a very different person. No longer the extreme extrovert I was. If I retreat behind my walls, the pain can’t get me.
But it does get me. It climbs that fucking wall. Clears it cleanly and seeks me out. It is a bloodhound, and I am its track. The pain I have felt can not be imagined. Not to take away anyone’s pain for whatever tragedy or pain they have gone through, but losing a child, your firstborn, is a pain that is unparalleled by any other pain I have gone through. I wish this on no one.
People have asked me how I am able to come to work, continue daily, or just make it daily. The short answer is that I have to. I know that if I slow down or let up, the demons will come in. I don’t have the wear with all to fight all the time. Thankfully, I have Jess (both number 1 & 2). I have my girls. I have my therapist. I have great coworkers who let me fall apart, then help me back up.
I haven’t been there for my friends. I don’t answer calls. I have a hard time responding to texts. I want to, but, then I retreat. It’s just easier. Besides, who am I to burden people with being sad all the fucking time.
June 9, 2021 is my worst day ever. I don’t want to say it can’t get worse because karma will take over and say ”hold my beer.” I have a hole in my heart that seems to get bigger daily, I am not sure how that is possible.
I want to be ok. I want to be fun loving again. I want to laugh and not feel guilty. It is possible. I know this. I work on it daily.
So tomorrow, while waiting to see if we get a follow-up email about Jaidon’s tombstone, I will get to the daily grind. Hope that the weekend doesn’t have too much down time because the empty mind starts to wander. And then I will prepare for another week of school. I have had my fill of pain to last a lifetime. Something good has to come. It has to. It’s not acceptable if it doesn’t. Heartbreak is so real. Heartbreak can beat you down. But, you get up, dust off, and try to figure out how in the fuck you can get through the day. This happens every. single. day.
I love you, my sweet boy. I miss you, so much. I hate not being able to hear your voice. Days and nights are not the same. I hug your picture and cry. Just one more minute. It’s all I want.