Today, I went and got a new dishwasher. The old one broke. I brought it home. I got pissed off. I was so upset. This is one of the things Jaidon would have helped me with. We would have installed it together. I absolutely hate the new dishwasher. It is another reminder of Jaidon not being here.
I can’t concentrate. I mean, I do what I can to get by. But, I daydream. I wish the dreams were real. If they were real, we would be a family of six, not five. it angers me.
I was at the store the other day and I saw twin xl sheets. I wanted to buy them for Jaidon’s dorm room. I don’t get to do that now. Another thing that angers me.
5 weeks. 5 of the worst goddamn weeks of my life. I would sell my soul to anything to have him back. I would trade places, without hesitation, but I can’t. This infuriates me.
The grieving process is something we must go through. We grieve for those we lose. We heal when we can celebrate their lives. I am not ready to heal. This actually saddens me.
So, again I write. It sometimes seems that is all I have. Of course, I have Jess and the family and now the gym. But, that doesn’t seem enough. It doesn’t help me when I get incredibly anxious and scared. It hurts that we lean on each other for this, and gives me pride for the girls because they do so.
Someone said to me that I will get over it in time. Well, FUCK YOU!!! I will never get over it. I might learn to cope a little better. I might learn to cry a little less. I will never, EVER, get over it. I am not strong. I cope. I learn to put one foot in front of the other because I have to. I don’t have a choice. That doesn’t make me strong.
I go and visit my son at his new address. Section 40, Row 4, Space 3. Who in the hell wants that address for their kids? I try to hug him. It is so hard to hug grass and dirt. I truly don’t recommend it to anyone. I hate his new place but it is where he resides now, forever.
I am jealous of those who get to see, be with, hug, laugh and cry with, their children. I don’t have the luxury of getting to do any of that. It makes me want to close the door to the world, turn off the lights and just sit on the couch. I want to be selfish.
I ride a wave of tsunami like emotions. The ups and downs are exhausting. There is nothing to do sometimes but sit and let the emotions kick the living shit out of me.
The sadness has won tonight. The anger has won tonight. The disbelief has won tonight. The pain has won tonight. Maybe tomorrow I can begin to train for the next battle. Maybe tomorrow I will want to win, because tonight I didn’t. Daddy misses you. Daddy loves you.