Where did the time go? Somehow June 9th feels like ten seconds ago, I remember every single detail of that night like it just happened. It also feels like 900 years since then. How is it that tomorrow Jaidon and Camille will have been gone for a whole month? How has it been four weeks since I buried my baby way too soon?
I cannot even begin to explain the weird time warp that it feels like I am trapped in. Each day requires every ounce of everything I have to haul my ass out of bed and exist. Thank goodness for my amazing village.
I get up, go to work, spend time with Troy and the girls. I walk. I spin. I chat with loved ones. I manage to get myself through the day yet I have no idea how.
Every day I pull my shit together and go through the motions. Mostly because I have to.
Feels a bit like Groundhog Day. Feels a bit like being a zombie. Mostly feels like a whole new special breed of hell I hope none of you ever have to experience.
The highlight of the week was that Anders and Derrick came for dinner last night. They worked with Troy to put together the legos that Jaidon had planned to do with them on their trip. A trip that his packed suitcase still sits in my bedroom from, because unpacking it is too much to handle.
We are so thankful for the stories the boys shared and their company.
All ten of those kids are now family. We love them all with all our hearts. Only wish there were still twelve. Leaving huge holes. Such enormous holes.
As we approach yet another shitty milestone, I have high hopes I can smile when I think about them both, but unfortunately I may not be that strong yet as I miss them both so deeply. Especially my baby boy, who should be getting ready to head to college where I had planned to visit him.
Instead we make weekly trips to visit him at the cemetery. In the plot I was meant to be in. Not him.