In the words of Ice Cube, today was a good day, at least it was by the end of the day. I had night terrors last night. True, horrible, night terrors. I dreamt I was a passenger. At one point, I had sleep paralysis. Not fun. I am not sure I can do that again. I was just…
I decided to return to work today. I needed to see my little third graders. They needed to see Mr. Smith. I greeted them and they were so excited, and so, so patient with me. We talked about sadness. We talked about pain. We talked about love. With the help of my dear friend Jes, who created a slide show of the book Remembering Ethan by Lesléa Newman. Unfortunately, the audio wouldn’t work so I had to read it. This turned out to be for the best. There were some hard times getting through this, but it was heartfelt and the book took on more meaning. I was just…
I needed to go to the pharmacy to have them remove Jaidon’s name from their system. It was horrible. I felt like I was erasing him. How could I do this? He deserves better. But, I couldn’t bear getting notices about his medicine. I almost left without doing it. How could my boy be treated like this? I was just…
Later, I went to his elementary school at Rock Creek Forest. I met with his principal and assistant principal. I was told of how much he meant to the school. There were tears. There was laughter. There was anger because I didn’t want to have this reality that he wasn’t here and I was making “thanks for being there for us” speech. I was just…
I went to my school, after the students left the building. There was an after school celebration for the end of a long school year, and a retirement for my team member Angele. I was able to talk about a lot of what happened and how I felt. I stood with pride telling Jaidon and Camille’s story. There were tears, there were smiles, it warmed my heart. I was just…
I got home and the Gagne’s came over and we met with Steve Cassell, the amazing father of the even more amazing Jake Cassell. Jake is the young man struck and killed by a vehicle on Old Georgetown Road in July of 2019. He reached out to me and we sat and listened about grief and pain, good days and bad. We shared stories of our amazing children. We cried. I was just…
Now I sit here with he quiet of the room. The sleeping dog by my side. The emptiness is still there. The pain is there. The hurt is there. The tears are there, though I don’t know how? There is also joy. There is pride. There is even more. I am just…
Just terrified
Just relieved
Just angry
Just doing the motions
Just joyful
Just amazed
Just moving forward…slowly.
I am just.