Today I bit the bullet and went back to work. It wasn’t as horrifying as I had thought it was. I found peace in cranking on a relatively mindless project which kept my hands and brain busy enough.
I have an amazing work family who made this so much easier too. A friend came and sat with me so I wouldn’t be by myself when I got in, one walked me to my car to make sure I was ok, others greeted me with hugs and thoughtful sentiments. It was exhausting but nice to feel the support.
I tried to convince myself it was a “normal” day. It worked for the most part, until I got in the car and had a fleeting thought about having dinner with the family, when I realized our family dinners of six would only be five.
We have always been a family of six. Troy and I were masters at counting…1. 2. 3. 4. Yup. All here! Except they aren’t anymore.
The quiet times are the hardest. It is when all the small nuances of Jaidon surface on my mind. But we have to plow through and remember every moment to honor him.
So we get up and do what we need to do to get to the end of the day because we have three amazing young women we are raising and they need us too. Time to light it up and put one foot in front of the other to get through each day, recognizing it will never be better but that at some point it may get slightly easier.