Tomorrow marks five months since our son was taken from us. The longest five months of my life.
There are still times I am in disbelief with everything and there are times when I have accepted it. Neither of them are helpful, but nothing really is these days.
I have been out to the cemetery to visit him a lot. Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was not that day. Yesterday, was if it all was brand new again. That has happened a few times. When those times do happen, it takes days to recover. Sometimes those days turn into nightmares. I remember most of them, but sometimes I just have tremors and rapid movement, I am thankful I don’t remember those.
I keep myself busy at work. Downtime is bad. Downtime allows for the mind to wander. Downtime means way too many thoughts that go unguarded. So, work is like my little brain sentry. Making sure that I hold my shit together at work. This of course drains me. It is a vicious cycle of having the “I’m OK” facade and the total fucking meltdown, because no, I’m really not ok.
We have people around us. Some who have gone through what we are going through, and some who have no words, but are there. I am being 100% honest when I say, I hope no one ever has to go through this shit.
In the beginning, I felt alone. How could this happen to us? What did we do wrong? I have found that there are so many that go through this everyday. I even went to a bereavement group for parents losing a child. It was heartbreaking to hear the stories, cancer, murder, drugs, suicide, and of course motor vehicle accidents. So many people in pain and all of us wondering why us?. There of course is no why. I found the group a bit overwhelming. I am not sure it is for me and that is ok. I must be willing to try things to help me heal. Heal, not get better. I will never be better. I also have found out that a friend is battling a brain tumor. He is going through the opposite. Knowing he won’t be there for his family and be there for the milestones. I don’t know how he is being so strong, but I have his back and will do what I. An to be there for all of them.
I worry about his friends. I hope they know how much we love them. I hope they are ok. I hope they are healing, as best as they can, whatever that means.
I get told all the time that “I don’t know how you do it.” Simply put, I have to. I have a family that depends on me and I depend on them. We must be there for each other, but really, we must live to honor Jaidon. We must live to honor our family.
We have had one of the worst years that any family should have and yet, here we are, surviving because of love. A love for a son, brother, nephew, grandson, and friend. There are times when I have felt like throwing in the towel. Saying fuck it. I understand how people lose the battle to depression with drugs, alcohol, and even taking their own lives. It is something that can come in and kick down the goddamn door without warning and make you feel like a toy boat on the middle of an Atlantic nor’easter. That is why I write. It is why I cry, scream, and laugh. The emotions have to come out. They can never be bottled up.
I have felt a little awkward talking to people about Jaidon. I don’t want be the person that only talks about their dead child. But then again, I love talking about him. He was my firstborn, my only son, and one helluva young man. So, if it bothers some to at I talk about him, oh well.
Five months is such a small blip in time, but it has felt like an eternity. I want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to us. Know that it is appreciated. I don’t respond to a lot because I write to get through the pain and it helps to be able to have it saved somewhere. None of us are looking for answers. We aren’t looking for attention. We just need an outlet sometimes.
In the blink of the eye
A world can change
For the better, or for worse
How are you supposed to take that change?
Embrace it?
Reject it?
We all have our own ways.
Sometimes the pain is immeasurable
Sometimes the love trumps the pain
It is in those times
When clarity happens
It is then that love,
True, undying love,
Will always champion
Making its way to the front of the line
Coming around the last turn
In first place
Because, love,
Especially the love for a child
Is powerful
So powerful, that it can pull you
Past the finish line
So that you may recover
And awaken the next day
Knowing that,
No matter the problem
It can be overcome
You may not be the same
You may actually be beaten
And down, but
In the end
You can stand proud
Because his love
Has prevailed.
My boy’s love
Has helped me heal.