I seem to be struggling with the concept of time lately, and although in the past I have always appreciated the extra hour daylight savings time provided, it feels incredibly different this year.
I am progressing past the point of counting hours and days and weeks and am starting to seek out monthly milestones. Five months tomorrow to be exact.
I am a creature of habit and often get stuck on some of those habits. But I am starting to try and break through some of them, with time and forced practice, to better understand the changes I need to make in order to function like a really person on a daily basis.
This week may even be the first time since Jaidon died that I have not bought enough groceries for six, just five. I even was able to go and donate blood.
Time passes and with the cooler air I am reminded every morning when I leave for work that the seasons continue to change, even though my world stopped five months ago and I feel I am riding through some sort of alternate tangent where the concept of time has been redefined in a bizarre incomprehensible way.
This weekend we took the girls shopping, something I haven’t been able to pull myself together to do since the spring. It was a relatively normal experience, until we got to the checkout line and it hit me like a ton of bricks that this is the first time I have only bought clothes for three kids.
Cue the public display of tears, which I no longer try to hold back.
Work has gone back to its normal state of insanity and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to breathe and catch up with friends lately.
I’m trying hard not to book every minute of my life to distract me from the intolerable pain I feel when I have any amount of time to myself and start to try to embrace my reality. There are so many loving and generous people who have stood by us and it is hard not choosing them instead.
It is very hard to look in the mirror and barely know who you see in the reflection, someone who looks a bit like you used to, just a bit older and tired and with not as much light in their eyes.
And with that, I am ready for the longest Monday ever to be done.