Staying in a hotel for a night to cut myself a break on the killer commute for work tonight sounded like such a good idea when I booked it.
Who wouldn’t want a night in a hotel to chill alone and rest and recoup from the more than insane work schedule I have been rolling with?
Tonight has been way harder than I ever envisioned it should be. I came armed with stuff to do and wine, etc. but for what it’s worth, none of it is working.
I had a call with some good friends and have been FaceTiming with the girls and texting friends but this is too much time in my head, which lately has been a very dangerous place to hang out with, especially alone.
This is so strange to me, as an introvert I have always maxed out my energy being social and valued my downtime to recharge. That downtime has become a drain of epic proportions.
I am so blessed. I have the most amazing work family. One invited me to happy hour tonight and both offered for me to stay with them. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system. They are truly gems and I don’t think either will ever know how much I really appreciate them.
Our big work event is a week from today, and as insane as my work schedule has been, it has been a blessing providing me with a high level of structure with late nights and over the weekends.
I don’t do downtime well. I didn’t do it well before Jaidon died and I sure as hell am not handling it well now.
The nice part about being this crazy at work is I have not had time to really fall apart, a fantastic distraction.
Tonight I have the rare opportunity to be alone and rest with a night to myself. I don’t even know who that is anymore. All I have done is cry and completely fall apart wishing I had my kid back. Life without Jaidon is truly unbearable. Truly.
What I am learning is that people don’t actually ever recover from losing a child. It is not something anyone can recover from. How could you? I gave birth to him, cared for him for every minute after after until the day he died.
How do people lose such a large part of their heart and go back to being who they were? I just can’t figure out how to recover from this.