This week has been an emotional rollercoaster…. More so than usual. My team at work pulled off unimaginable feats and our event was a huge success, which made all of the insane hours over the last few months feel worth it.
For me it ended up being the calm before the storm.
Having work as an all inclusive distraction has propelled me through the last few grueling months of grief in a way that almost made me feel like the old me. But that all came crashing down around me this weekend.
It was no surprise to anyone who knows me well that I was a dysfunctional mess with an entire weekend of nothingness, only minimal plans and way too much time in my head.
Endless hours of crying and sleeping and being unable to put two words together was met with love and hugs from the people who knew this weekend would be nothing short of a disaster for me.
To add insult to injury Halloween snuck up on me. Yesterday we picked up four pumpkins. I just couldn’t bear to only get three. I don’t know why. It wasn’t like Jaidon would have been here, he would have been at Towson. Then today we cried our way through carving one for Jaidon. It was so hard. So very, very hard.
He always loved Halloween. Even getting dressed up, which was out of character for him. He even came out of his shell to make plans with friends for this event annually.
This was always my dad’s favorite holiday too, he always made it special for me and Jared and then for the kids. A double whammy as I went to visit them both at the cemetery this morning. Aside from baking bread, this is my other standing weekly plan.
What used to be my favorite season has become my most dreaded. This year of firsts without Jaidon is killing my spirit. It is turning me into someone I hardly know and don’t really want to be. Next up will be Thanksgiving and my dad’s birthday, trying to get a gameplan for those.
I am trying really hard to enjoy the girls and their lives but it is hard to have a constant reminder that where there are three, four should be.
I continue to be in awe of those who continue to reach out and show up and send messages of love and hope as we trudge through this shitshow of a year.