October 7, 2021
October 7, 2021

October 7, 2021

About a year ago I came home from a long weekend at work and Troy and Jaidon had built a beautiful fire pit. Our whole family loves sitting by it, hanging out, making s’mores, watching hazel get the zoomies.

I’m incredibly thankful for this fire pit just knowing what the boys did to make it happen. It was a memory I hope Troy holds closely.

I’m also thankful this year for a crazy work load that is providing ample distraction as spending time alone in my head with my thoughts is too much to handle. But right now, as completely drained on every level as I seem to be, running 90 miles an hour on fumes seems to be working. I just doubt my longevity to continue at this pace before I crash, 16 weeks is a long time.

This week we attended our first parent bereavement group meeting, and it was everything you might think it should be. I don’t recommend making a date night out of this type of thing.

Despite the kindness of the people we met, after a 13 hour workday on two hours of sleep, I found that I was incapable of feeling support and instead found the whole experience completely overwhelming and honestly depressing beyond my expectations. There are so many parents who have lost kids and are struggling, and some of their stories were just horrific. My heart aches for everyone we met. It took me a solid day or so to completely get back up on my already unsteady feet after, which I wasn’t expecting. I’m not really sure what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I have committed to going a few more times as I am willing to try just about anything to find any level of peace.

As work picks up the pace even more, I am finding that holding myself together is getting more difficult instead of easier, that I cry more and I need more hugs just to function. A lot of hugs and tears and love. Thank you to all of you who check in on me, and have stood by my side in any capacity, even when I can’t pull my head out of my ass to reciprocate. You may never know how much even a seemingly small act impacts my life and propels me another baby step forward.