You really have no idea how much you are able to endure until you are forced to do so. Today was another one for the books for sure.
We just finished the healing and memorial service for Yom Kippur virtually together from home.
We read and listened to prayers and songs of healing and remembrance, not that we needed to be reminded or felt any semblance of healing. It wasn’t lost on any of us that Jaidon was the youngest in our community being recognized at this service either.
I often wonder if It is possible to actually run out of tears? I feel like I should be pretty damn close at this point. I gave up on makeup. My eyes are a constant state of purple and swollen, and I can rarely keep them dry before I get to work, and honestly I just don’t care.
I used to feel like a good cry was a release, let some steam out of the pot before it explodes, if you know what I mean. Now I find zero relief from crying, it is just my new normal to be able to spontaneously burst into tears for no triggered reason, aside from my reality.
Today a few people told me to just take deep breaths and keep breathing but it didn’t seem to be innate, more forced and like I was trying to do so with plastic over my face. Just not enough oxygen, like when I landed in the ER with covid earlier this year. Except this time it was mental not physical. How do you breathe when such a large part of your soul is so vividly missing?
I’m over today and will call it quits soon and go to bed, so I can wake up again at the ass crack of dawn to start my day in a heap of tears for awhile before I can go back to my daily grind of going through the motions until I can crawl back into bed again. What a cycle.
For those of you celebrating, I hope you had a meaningful fast, I’m hoping to recover from mine soon.