I am ready to start a new year, one that will hopefully be a bit more peaceful. Really, I wish that for everyone. L’Shana Tovah to all of you celebrating, may each of you have a sweet new year.
Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and got my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. I had gotten the J&J in March but finally got guidance from my doc I could do the mRNA as well. Yup, in addition to my life crumbling around me I am still dealing with my long haul covid crap. Planning to finally get my brain scans read next week. Such a shame I can’t seem to forget the pain, just everything else.
I woke up with PTSD, achy as hell this morning, complete with a pounding headache, arm sore and with chills, not to mention a severe sense of guilt because the two months I was sick with covid I forced the family to not be near me so we wouldn’t cross-contaminate. That was two months I could have spent with Jaidon, but didn’t.
It seems odd to start the new year off feeling empty, heartbroken, and upset. I typically enjoy torturing the family by making them go to services with me and embarking on all of our family traditions.
Not so much this year. I’m even letting Kyra skip out on services to go to school since her school will be in session. I just cannot seem to get there, just not feeling it.
I registered us to attend services in person, outdoors, which sounded lovely, in theory, but I know there is no way I can conquer being around an overwhelming number of people, even though I know they will be supportive and caring. It is me. I just can barely breathe, and doing it in front of the masses may actually put me over the edge.
Yesterday we had our annual family birthday dinner for Mattea and Jared, but it was hard not to notice the kitchen table, which used to be set for ten now has two empty seats. At least my dad and Jaidon are together, I just wish they were together here with us.
Needless to say, this has, by far, been the absolute worst year of my life and although I don’t anticipate the coming years being any easier, I sure as hell hope that I can find some small pockets of peace so I can endure this.