September 27, 2021
September 27, 2021

September 27, 2021

National son’s day is incredibly challenging for those of us who lost a son.

If Jaidon were still here he would have been livid that I posted photos and told stories about him, but since he isn’t I will do so.

Jaidon was the most amazing son a mother could ever ask for. From the day he was born he was sweet and snuggly and complacent. He and I always had a very special bond.

I could read him like a book. I could calm him when he needed it and he would let me guide him and nurture him in a way that he rarely let others in to do.

For a long time I was the only one he let into his world. I could see an autistic meltdown coming a mile away and sometimes was the only one capable of calming him back down through it.

He was my first born and my only son. For a long time he was the only nephew and grandson on both sides. He was the only brother, to three girls who idolized him growing up.

When we got married, I wasn’t keen on the idea of having kids. I wanted my career. When my last grandparent died, I felt like I lost a generation and looked at Troy and said “well, if we are gonna do this, let’s do it”.

When Jaidon entered the world it was an experience that I could never have imagined. Instantly I wanted to quit my job, stay at home and be with him full time.

And that was that. I am stubborn and found a way to work full time and be a full time mom to all of the kids and although it was fucking hard, I loved it and have never looked back. As hard as it was, I would give my life to go back to that phase.

So today I choose to celebrate National sons day by honoring my dearest son, wishing he were here so I could hug him just one more time, just one more “mama-hug” where he would put his head into my chest and I would tell him hugs require arms.

Instead, I visit his plot at the cemetery and cry uncontrollably wondering how the fuck I got here and hug my girls way tighter than they prefer, because I can, and because they are just as amazing. Because even though we are down to five, physically with us, as a mother to a son, and three fabulous daughters, I have never loved so deeply or cared more.